Rules of Healthy Relationships

 

 1.     When things get heated call a time out.  In 30 minutes the person calling the time out calls the time in.

2. No Put Downs-- both parties are not allowed to criticize the other (especially about their parents or other family members.)

 

3. The Relationship Must Be First--nothing else comes before the relationship...not parents, sports, computers, job...nothing.

 

4. No Swearing--this only serves to scare the child within us.

 

 5. No Guilt Provokes--do not use guilt to get your way.

 

6. No Secrets--None!  If anyone tells you they have a secret, they better not tell you unless it is okay for your partner to know.  NO SECRETS!

 

7. Don’t Bring Up the Past as a Weapon--if you are harboring resentments, talk about them when there is less emotion and it can be discussed calmly. Resentments need to be dealt with or they will make for more distance.  

 

8. Never Go to Bed Angry--you can’t sleep when you are angry.

 

9. Play and Have Fun at Least Weekly Together.

 
10.    Make time to talk at least once a week.  Talk about issues and or pleasant things.

 

11. In Disagreement Say “This is my perception”never say “You are nuts” or “This is what really happened” because it is only your perception.

 

12. Disagreements--a) Ask each other: How did I (yourself) contribute to the problem and list three ways (both of you.)  b) Discuss the disagreement  c) If it is constantly reoccurring, play “Let’s Make A Deal”--Pick heads or tails and flip the coin.  Whoever wins gets their side and next time it goes to the other one.

 

13. Eliminate always and never statements.

 

14. Be cooperative not competitive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Behaviors of Healthy Relationships 

 

 

 

1. Eliminate the Critical Parent Inside of You--List the critical actions of your parents and compare it to you.

 

 

 

2. Know what You Want and Need--each partner should list their wants/needs.

 

3. Arguments--share with your spouse or partner how you hurt and feel,  more than what makes you angry.  

 

4. Share your internal nurturing parent to your partner instead of your internal critical parent.

 

 

5. Ask for help (Both of You)-- it is not a weakness.  It will help you get emotionally connected.

 

6. Get in Touch with Old Resentments and Work It Through

 

7. Make a list Out What You Will and Won’t Tolerate From a Partner, your golden rules.

 

(ex:  won’t tolerate a partner having an affair)

 

8. Avoid being perfectionistic or “right”.

 

 

 

Copyright Dene T.  Stamas

January 1, 2011